My Scars

October 14, 2017

A wound is raw

A scab is tender 
I resent my limited mobility
and the extra precautions I take 

while waiting for the scar to provide durability 


My scars may open up

So I suppose they are more like scabs than scars

because they will open up 

from time to time and unexpectedly

But the intensive care is behind me 

No longer do I fear infection, nor acute danger

I haven't for a while 

 

Beyond the seeping wounds and fragile scabs
I discovered relief 
Oh, was it a beautiful relief!

For I didn't even know that feeling was possible

But scar tissue was visible

and the worst was behind me 

And this relief  birthed an unbridled desire to live again


But I quickly began
To resent my scars
I resented and cursed the scars on my heart
I  felt discomfort just looking at them

And it's important that you know,

it's not because of my son's dy-ing 
(I needed no reminding, it's my baby who died.)


My scars mostly reminded me of the painful moments 

my son's death brought

Torment and despair

Feeling naked and alone and afraid

Wearing a scarlet letter of pain

 

My scars took me back to that place

where my heart was broken-open,

vulnerable and exposed to the world 

 

My scars reminded me

that others won't see me as normal

or capable 

Nobody will push me

and 

People will pity me

and

They will claim my joy must be fake 

 

My scars spoke the world's voice to me... 

I must be damaged goods

I will never be the same

(I like the new me better.)  
 
I tried to be positive

and focus on what I knew to be true...

My devastation had stripped ME away
And this demolishing had created a clear path

for Spirit to speak through me
I knew this was true,

Miraculous

Wondrous 

But I still didn’t like my scars


Even after I took the band-aids off
and opened up to life
I resented my new status
I wanted to hide my scars


This morning I wake to a new dawn,
A new phase in my journey, I suppose
Spirit is amazing, and all glory be to God 
Today I can also say,
I am amazing too


“My son has died”
I feel a new emotion behind these words today
I am proud
of myself
I am proud of myself! 
I am grateful
for resiliency
for strength
for the mining of my ego

Devastation gave me all of these gifts, these treasures, these gems!


Can I tell you about my son?
Can I tell you that he died?
It may make you sad, you may pity me
But today that’s okay with me
So can I tell you my amazing story?
Oh yes, I have to tell you my son didn’t really die
That is the most glorious part of all,
my mission he left me
I share this with the world!


But today, my friend,
Can I tell you of the devastation I have been through?
Can I tell you I am grateful for it?
I am not damaged goods 
I am a woman now unafraid of pain
I am a woman more compassionate
I am a woman who can listen to the broken

I am among the least of these

 

And


I am a wonder woman
I have faced my biggest fears
I have walked through darkness

with my eyes wide open
I have lived in the valley of the shadow of death

I have pleaded for this earth to swallow me whole

to escape the pain 

And I am still standing 

Strong 

Can I show you my scars? 

If not, that's okay

But I am proud of them now
Maybe  you’ll remember my story
when life delivers destruction

Maybe you will take my virtual hand 

to hold for strength 


My son is proud of me, he has shown me every step of the way
But today
I am proud of me too

 

My scars honor me 

My scars acknowledge the hardest work I have ever done 

My scars represent overcoming

and my scars represent pain,

Pain that shaved the outer me away  

to expose my core

 

I am grateful for my scars

My scars represent

the Triumph of my Soul 

 

 

 

(I searched for a photo appropriate for this post. This was a challenge because I have focused on hope... I don't have photos of my difficult times. This photo struck me when I found it. I took this photo of  Perry's younger brother, Jonas, while we were eating out for the first time as a family of four. This was the first time we were asked, "how many...?" and the first time one of us had to answer "4". It took everything in me to choke back until I could  release in a more private setting... This photo and the sentiment on the cup seemed to be fitting for this post, for such a time as this. Every piece of our story is important.) 

 

 

 

 


 

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